By Harry Petsanis and Donna McCance
Why do we blame?
Basically, we blame others because we never grew up and we don’t want to grow up.
Children make excuses and justifications for their behavior so they don't have to take accountability and/or they want to avoid punishment. They use blaming as a distraction from their behavior, filling the atmosphere with drama to get their way.
Rather than learning how to self-regulate their emotions and process their thoughts when confronted with any wrongdoing, they blame. It takes the focus off of them, for the moment anyway.
Then children grow into adults, continuing the same behavior for the same reasons. As they grow bigger, so do their egos, and blaming becomes a lifelong habit. The more they are held accountable as adults, the more they blame as an effort to deflect accountability.
The language we use is a good indicator of our level of emotional maturity. Starting each sentence with "You made me..." is language people use to absolve themselves from any accountability for their emotions and behavior. Blaming is convenient. "It's YOUR fault that I did this!" It's easier.
Saying things like "you made me angry; you made me feel bad, and you hurt my feelings" are examples of shifting blame and trying to guilt others.
You can learn to stop blaming with the simple step of changing your language. Instead of saying "You made me feel..." you can say "I allowed myself to feel...". Instead of saying "You offended me," you can say "I choose not to be offended." Instead of saying "It's your fault that I..." say "I allowed this to happen "
Changing your language allows you to take ownership of your feelings and it puts you in control of yourself. When you are in control, you are accountable for what happens, and you accept that. That's emotional maturity.
No one can make you feel bad
without your consent.
No one can disrespect you
without your approval.
No one can upset you or hurt you
without your acceptance.
When you constantly look at life through the prism of being a victim, it constantly opens the door for people to continue to take advantage of you.
Blaming is childish. It paralyzes you from making personal growth and development, and it catches up to you. Other people see that behavior in you. They resent it when you blame them for your faults. You lose respect, integrity, and trust. People won't take you seriously, and they will treat you with the same childish immaturity you deserve.
Growing up connotes your behavior is going to improve. If your behavior gets worse, you’re growing, it’s just that you’re growing in the wrong direction.
It's time to grow up, take accountability, and admit your mistakes. That's the first step toward emotional maturity and personal development. The key to stop blaming others is to put accountability where it belongs - on YOU.
Take control of yourself, your feelings, and your behaviors and act accordingly.
About the Authors
Harry Petsanis is a philosopher of human nature, mindset specialist, and lifelong fitness and wellness advisor. He is a writer and author, with three published books: “The Truth is A Lie,” “The Logical Path to Life,” and "Knowing Me from A to Z, A Child's Mindset," which he co-authored with Donna McCance, M.Ed.. Harry has a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism. He has an intense passion for psychology and the human condition.
Donna McCance, M.Ed. is a business administrator, writer, author, licensed teacher and principal/vice principal with over 20 years experience teaching in elementary education and educational leadership. She has a Masters in Education, Masters in Human Services Management, Bachelors in Business Administration and Associates in Business Administration.
Click here to order Harry Petsanis’s books
The Truth is A Lie" and "The Logical Path To Life"
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to order Harry Petsanis's and Donna McCance's newly published book
"Knowing Me From A to Z, A Child's Mindset"
To learn about Harry Petsanis, go to his website