By Harry Petsanis and Donna McCance
We’re not here to tell you what love is. But we can definitely tell you what it isn’t. From understanding what love isn’t, perhaps you’ll have a better understanding of what it is.
So many people mix their insecurities, jealousies, obsessions, and dysfunction with what they call love. They intertwine their feelings for another with their internal issues and then combine them, which often creates an unhappy and toxic relationship.
People justify things they do and convince themselves that it’s not wrong. People delude themselves into believing that the disrespect and mistreatment they have towards someone they’re obsessed about is justified by calling it love.
People can do the most disrespectful, abusive things toward others, and when you point those things out to them, they won’t acknowledge them or take ownership of them, they’ll justify them under the umbrella of love. They say, “Well, it’s because I love you,” like it’s their “get out of jail free card” in Monopoly.
In some people’s minds, when they think love is involved, all rules go out the window. There’s no accountability. Respect and self-esteem don’t exist anymore when it becomes an obsession, which turns into a rationalization. With these people, the minute you point out that they’re doing something wrong, it becomes “It’s because I adore you. I’m crazy about you. I love you.” They will say those things and have no acknowledgement of what someone is trying to tell them.
When you define boundaries, people make excuses for crossing them by saying they love you. They gloss over their behavior and go right to the emotion, as if the emotion excuses the behavior. When you call them out on their behavior, they’ll go right back to the “but… I love you” giving the appearance that everything they’ve done is okay.
One thing that’s really scary is when people view you as theirs, like you belong to them. In order to care about someone, you have to listen to them and factor in what they’re saying. But these people don’t factor you in, because you’re not a person, you’re a possession that they want to be theirs only.
Often in relationships, it’s two people tearing each other down, not building each other up. People accept it because they don’t think they deserve any better or they have a lack of options. If you have confidence and pride, you won’t accept that behavior. You will look at being alone as a much healthier option than abuse or being in an unhappy relationship.
You can’t take human nature out of the human, so while you may not necessarily want what’s best for them, you should have self-respect and pride in who you are and not bother them. Even if you’re hurting and in pain, what’s going to define you is how you react to that by separating your feelings from your behavior.
When most people are in pain over rejection, boundaries and rules go out the window. Their behavior defines their character, and their desperation over the loss of a relationship shows a lack of self esteem and self-worth. They don’t believe they have any value unless they’re with someone else. When someone rejects them, that confirms their lack of value in themselves
Many times people will try to guilt and manipulate someone into staying in a relationship with them. Anyone who uses guilt and manipulation to keep someone in a relationship subconsciously knows that person has already emotionally left.
Coercing and forcing someone to be in a relationship with you who you know has already emotionally left you isn’t love. It’s holding someone emotionally hostage. It’s an unhealthy behavior for yourself, and an unhealthy behavior toward someone else.
About the Authors
Harry Petsanis is a philosopher of human nature, mindset specialist, and lifelong fitness and wellness advisor. He is a writer and author, with three published books: “The Truth is A Lie,” “The Logical Path To Life,” and "Knowing Me from A to Z, A Child's Mindset," which he co-authored with Donna McCance, M.Ed.. Harry has a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism. He has an intense passion for psychology and the human condition.
Donna McCance, M.Ed. is a business administrator, writer, author, licensed teacher and principal/vice principal with over 20 years experience teaching in elementary education and educational leadership. She has a Masters in Education, Masters in Human Services Management, Bachelors in Business Administration and Associates in Business Administration.
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The Truth is A Lie" and "The Logical Path To Life"
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to order Harry Petsanis's and Donna McCance's newly published book
"Knowing Me From A to Z, A Child's Mindset"
To learn about Harry Petsanis, go to his website