Why The Narcissist Picked You
By Harry Petsanis and Donna McCance
“Narcissism is a self-centered personality style characterized as having an excessive interest in one's physical appearance and an excessive preoccupation with one's own needs, often at the expense of others.[1][2]
It is human nature for people to be selfish[3] and narcissism exists on a spectrum that ranges from normal to abnormal personality expression.[4] There is a significant difference between normal, healthy levels of narcissism and people who are difficult/self-absorbed, or people having a pathological mental illness like narcissistic personality disorder.” “ [5]Narcissism - Wikipedia
The purpose of this blog is to give you an idea as to why the narcissist picked you and what you can do to prevent yourself from being involved with a narcissist again. The purpose isn't to define the narcissist. The internet is filled with research on the subject, and resources like Wikipedia (see above) are a good place to begin to educate yourself about narcissism.
There are millions of people who call themselves narcissist victims and survivors, without ever acknowledging that there were flaws within themselves that attracted the narcissist.
Narcissists look for emotionally weak people. Emotionally weak people are people who lack self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. Because of their lack of self-awareness, weak people are unwilling to accept their role in being in a toxic relationship and blame the narcissist for what they allowed them to do, calling themselves victims.
Many people are attracted to the narcissistic traits of power, influence, charisma, talents, and charm. People who are emotionally weak attach themselves to these people so they can benefit from being around the power and attention they attract. They choose to idealize them rather than heed to the warning signs they give out. People make the choice to ignore the information so they can continue to benefit from their presence in their lives.
One of the first things a narcissist does in a relationship is to “love bomb.” They do this to emotionally weak people because they know they have low self-esteem and will be drawn in by the attention and validation they seek from external sources.
Narcissists will shower people with over the top love and affection, which they know they crave, and they know they will allow themselves to become dependent on it for validation. Internally, the narcissist despises people for their pathetic behavior and low self-esteem, and they know that they can control them and get what they want out of them because of it.
People refuse to see the truth of who a narcissist is because they are so fixated on someone paying attention to them and validating them in a way no one else does. In time, the narcissist will make it apparent that they despise them when the love bombing is over, and then people blame the narcissist for what is happening to them.
A narcissist’s level of intelligence, talent, and manipulation skills are not above or even equal to the high level of weakness, insecurity, and lack of self-esteem that exists in people. Knowing this, they can easily take advantage of people by taking whatever they can get from them to fulfill their needs and concerns for themselves.
Many people go out of their way to portray themselves as victims, without acknowledging that what they survived was due to their own weakness and flaws. When they put themselves in terrible situations and miraculously escape, they’re not victims, they’re a problem.
A narcissist is a narcissist, and they act on their instincts and nature to survive.
That includes taking whatever they can from people to help them survive, as long as they will allow it. It’s nothing personal, they’ll just keep taking as long as people are willing to keep giving to them. When people stop giving, it’s over and they move on to someone else who is willing to give to them.
A narcissist will go after someone who is damaged because they lack the most basic foundational levels of self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, self-awareness, self-control, self-discipline, self-love, self-care, and any other word that implies a sense of “self.”
If we truly want to improve, we need to start seeing things for how they truly are instead of defending our poor choices. We need to stop seeing ourselves as victims and realize that the relationship that is damaged is the relationship we have with ourselves.
Instead of always seeing the story as the other person always being wrong, start seeing things for how they truly are, holding ourselves accountable and responsible. We need to stop seeing ourselves as innocent bystanders, accept our roles, and take action to change our lives.
If you want to change your life, follow these three steps:
1. Stop defending your poor choices and weakness of character.
2. Admit to yourself that you’ve spent a lifetime convincing yourself that your poor choices and character flaws are strengths.
3. Start developing your authenticity by seeing and living the complete truth about yourself (read our other posted blogs)
When narcissists see your level of self-confidence and authenticity, they’ll leave you alone.
About the Authors
Harry Petsanis is a philosopher of human nature, mindset specialist, and lifelong fitness and wellness advisor. He is a writer and author, with three published books: “The Truth is A Lie,” “The Logical Path To Life,” and "Knowing Me from A to Z, A Child's Mindset," which he co-authored with Donna McCance, M.Ed.. Harry has a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism. He has an intense passion for psychology and the human condition.
Donna McCance, M.Ed. is a business administrator, writer, author, licensed teacher and principal/vice principal with over 20 years experience teaching in elementary education and educational leadership. She has a Masters in Education, Masters in Human Services Management, Bachelors in Business Administration and Associates in Business Administration.
Click here to order Harry Petsanis’s books
The Truth is A Lie" and "The Logical Path To Life"
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to order Harry Petsanis's and Donna McCance's newly published book
"Knowing Me From A to Z, A Child's Mindset"
To learn about Harry Petsanis, go to his website